Finals Begin.

So it’s 9am, and my first college final starts in an hour and a half. Sure, I should probably be going over my English lit notes, but for the first time in my life my grades are good going into finals, and I don’t have to scramble to get them up. Plus, I know this stuff and I’m not worried about not doing well. I just read Christopher James’ blog and that made me want to write in my own.

I cannot wait to see all of my friends from home. After being such a large part of my life for such a long time, it’s been weird to only talk to them every once in a while, and even then only hear their voices. I called a few of them the other day because I needed some help with one of my papers and I knew they would be able to help me, and I realized that things really will be different when I come home. And I’m scared. Not that I think we won’t get along, or we won’t have anything to talk about, it just won’t be the same, and that makes me sad. I knew this coming here, that once I left in August, things would never be the same and now, four months later, the time has come to once again return home. And I’m scared. Not that I don’t love it here and don’t want to have to deal with the millions of questions that everyone will ask me about school. I’m excited to answer those, Valpo really is the perfect place for me. But it’s just me out here, and some people just won’t care as much as I want them to. They’ll listen to me talk about my friends and pretend to care, all the while wishing they could just start talking about how great life is for them at __________. It’s hard because I know I’ll be the same way. Part of me will want to hear all about other colleges, but part of me won’t because then I’ll have to come to terms with the fact that we are growing apart, and there are certain people that I just am not willing to lose. I’ve found that the people that I talk to from home and want to see most are the people that are still living the life I am familiar with. Katie, Danny Boy, Alex Marie- I know what they are talking about when they talk about their lives because they, while having also grown as people, haven’t grown away from what I know. But even with them, talking on the phone is different than seeing them in person, which I’ll do next Monday. And I’m scared. Scared because I’ll have to admit all of the things I’ve been trying to deny since I got here. Scared because I know we probably won’t care as much as we used to. Scared that I won’t feel like I belong when I go “home.”

i love you, but i'm scared.